Thy will be done.

Picture this:

A kid. Who has very little memory of who they were before they were 9 years old. This kid is troubled in the secret ways. Drug use with friends, mouth like a dirty sailor, resentment towards parents acting out in "back talk," and occasional law breaking activities to starve away the bordom. However, in school, this kid makes above average marks, is disciplined in hobbies and sports and has done a pretty good job earning the respect of the outside world. This kid...

Turns into a teenager, mom dies, and kid wants to get their act together. Church is a good place to find good people. Unnaturally, child tries to fit into what "good people" should be like. Nice, talk gentle, pray, go to bible studies, not associate with "bad people" anymore. Makes sense. Teen gets accepted for being a "good person," gets noticed for being able to talk to any kind of person. Doesn't the bible say we are all loved by God? Shouldn't we be in contact with anyone and everyone? Why such a big deal for noticing a person, and talking to them? Teen turns into an adult...

barely...

adult/ teen/ child, who can only remember things after 9 years old, and who is a "good person" who has the ability to talk with any kind of person, is growing up. Making decisions about spiritual life, which in turn manifest into the mental and physical life arenas. Some of her friends, are "good people" too and now some of her friends are "bad people." But this adult is realizing, no matter what, people are people. All people contribute something positive and beneficial. It just depends on how one sees it. God and God potential in everyone.

All of it boils down to me. I am still the kid/teen/adult who is struggling to remember the place where I had no memories. I only started remembering stuff when things went wrong and bad. Now, it's been one long saga, and for goodness sake, it's time for the saga to end. Book slammed shut. Placed on the shelf, or perhaps burned for all I care, because the memories from her pages will be here forever. Now, my prayer, my plea to God, who saves, is that I will live in the land of restore-freakin-ration :). Using EVERY single word from that book to be able to connect to people and therefore, connect together to God. God, I sometimes feel like He's right inside of me, and other times, I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs and there be no response.

That's OK... because I don't give up that easy. (which is usually good, but can be bad not tempered)

I am praying for healing and restoration to come pronto, and come in a tangible way, where i finally don't struggle with feeling like an unloved and selfish human being. I know it's not too much to ask to feel loved in a tangible and healthy way, so why the delay? I mean, at this point Im over it. I have chosen the righteous way, to leave the things that don't fill me up in a pure way out in the garbage can. God knows I want the real deal, and I am open to anything he deems worthy. I want to have a clear head, to make admirable decisions, to enjoy life, to raise a fun, funky (in a healthy way) family, to help anyone and everyone around me the best way I can. Even to spend alot of time doing charitable work... I want to make God attractive to people, because He's attractive! (In the most perfect way) Even though it can be a tough pill to swallow, He can make you healthy and whole! Side note: as long as there is open and honest flowing communication.

Here are the ramblings of Lindsay Brown. If I do end up posting it, I hope it leaves the reader feeling like they have someone who has seen a few troubles and blessings, leaving you with the sense that "you really arn't alone in this" kind of feeling. My friends tell me I should talk to people about how I feel, and even though I feel uncomfortable about that, someone always ends up calling me and we end up talking about it. Writing helps me alot. I really love it when people respond to it. I get positive feedback, and it fuels my fire to be open and honest.

I read some quotes today at the doctors office. Some were cute, like the ones about being sick as a dog, and the guy looked like a dog. Some were a smidge more thought provoking, "The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you." by Bette Midler haha

so, i went home and looked up some quotes and I found this one by C.S. Lewis. I know he's genius, and blah blah blah... I get turned off when I think about reading one of his books, because of their length and unfamiliar vernacular, but I can read his quotes! I like them! Here is one I found.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I feel like I do/done this. My love will not be broken. I wrap her up with hobbies and little luxuries. But I don't want to, because I want be human and feel again. I guess this place of turmoil and pain is a clear indication of my emotion. I guess suffering reminds us that we DO love. I do love. I guess I haven't sucessfully killed my love. Oh God, only you can, like you did Jesus, resurrect my heart again. It's beat is weak and tired. Pressure and stress from my attempts at unconscious suicide. Forgive me, the choices i have made, led me here, and it's not the path you have chosen for me. I didn't really choose it myself, but I let it happen. God right now, I want to ask you for guidance to get back on the right track. Intentional u-turn. I can't help but worry those same stupid fears, "God's gonna give you something you don't want, and He's gonna make you take it!" Oh Lord, I wouldn't do that to a person, even thought I might push harder if it was good for the person, because the choice really up to them. (Lie #1 demolished) but... I'm also afraid that if I chose to not take the things you recommend, that you will get tired and not try anymore. But I wouldn't do that either, I mean I may get tired and a little aggrivated, but You don't. The bible describes you as never sleeping or slumbering, always helping when we ask for it. (Lie # 2 blasted into smitherines!) Well, i ask for it.

Guide me, and keep showing me things that would give me the kind of life I am made for. Un poco de fe amor.

Thy will be done.

Psalm 40:16-17 Message Version
"But all who are hunting for you-- Oh let them sing and be happy!
Let those who know what you're all about tell then world you are great and not quitting.
And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.

You can do it; you've got what it takes--
but God, don't put it off."

Feb. 20 You are done!

Dear Feb. 20,

You came and you went, and you left me with some mental downloads, I hope I never forget.

I hope I always remember the music, floating easily through the thin air, luring the passer-by's by its constant drum. And the way the sun felt on me as I waited behind the pole, waiting for the musics cue to tell me to start dancing. The music told the teacher to tell me to move. The rhythm makes the blood in me race, which twarks me into sharps and lines, called poses, which when strung together makes dancing. This is cool.

Dear, Feb 20,

I woke up this morning expecting to be nervous, expecting the worse, and what did I get? More than I could ask for! When I woke up, I forgot where I was. It was Susan's apartment, yeah,that's right. We drank yummy coffee together, and then walked to the beach. We didn't see the those birds eating the berries, we saw yesterday. They must of been sleeping. But the sky... Oh the sky was DIVINE! How does it look so pretty!? With clouds slung across the skies horizon, in no particular order, yet displaying perfect beauty. It wasn't long before I needed to be near the water. And it wasn't long after that until she drew me into herself. She knew I remember her embrace, her comfort. I feel like I was resting in the bosom of gentleness and strength. Health and power. Cleansing restoration and breaking of fears. I praise God. I worship Him.

This was real. This was Feb 20.

The Show:
went perfect. I really enjoyed myself, finally figured out that relaxing is the easiest way to enjoy things. Relaxation is so power-full! Who wouldn't thought?? I certainly didn't realize it!

Friends:
blessed! Susan gave me a place to lay my head, food for my belly, great conversation and a glimpse into her soul. It's downright, beautiful! bravery and adventure come to mind.
Dance Now people are as different as the colors in the crayon box. They are super special in their own ways. Lessons and Inspiration leak from their lives. Hannah and Diego are 2 tender, kind and supportive people! May their lives be filled with joy and strength.
Emma Karis and Ed. I am glad they came to support and for Zoila's call of support.

Dad:
BFF God bless him and his body tonight, may be be blessed with pain free sleep.

Feb 20, you were beautiful. You were so kind to me. I am so blessed to have had days like you, straight from Love's Hand. May Jesus be lifted up for His LOVE, and if not His Love than His miracles.

All i can say is Yes! I am one person right now, who realizes how much I am cared for... right down to the little details... like the hairs on my head! :) Thanks Jess for spraying them down!

And I can also say... Thanks!

Shine on!

ceasing the moment of silence... is yummy!

Oh how I have been longing to update this blog!

In general, life is peaceful. Super calm and enjoyable. I'm learning so much about personal responsiblity that I never thought even existed when I was younger. It's truly our responsibility to be happy. People and circumstances will always change, but will your happiness?

Quietness and stillness... my 2 favorite teachers!

I am finding out, though experience of course, that I NEED quiet time in the morning to reflect. If I don't have it, my thinking is a little less clear, and my heart more susceptable to judgment. :( And the truth is, I love every SINGLE MINUTE OF IT! It's loaded with nothing but juicy love and refueling from on high! God is so wanting to pour His Spirit of Love into us. And believe you me, you want this!!

Thoughts of my day!
Today was an extraordinary day for me personally. I was able to accomplish a small goal that I had been wanting to reach. I ran 4 miles on the beach today. I ran with awareness of my small aches, joy in my heart, and even some by standers cheering me on!! "Go Rocky, you look strong!" haha it was wonderful. But while I was running I had some of the most interesting thoughts.

1. That our bodies shed all the excess weight off of them in order to run and maintain constant activity. Why? Why does the load become lighter, when your energy output is increased? Running is a picture of the baggage we carry as people. Our childhood, fears, future endeavors and everyday worries... this is all weight. and actually, it manifests physically too. I mean it may even be passed down from family members. I know for me, I thought I would die from the same illnesses that have plagued my families history, but the truth is, I won't. And here is why... because I believe I have identified the main reason why they had health complications, ie: diet. and now I have the RESPONSiBILITY to reroute my eating habits. I feel blessed to be apart of my family, and I love every single person in my family. But they doesn't mean they have (had) all things figured out. I'm learning, and this is just one little seed I hope to pass to my friends, family, and future family one day. You can follow people, and mimick their strengths, but there comes a time when you have to own your life, your body, your thoughts, your likes, whatever, and accept it as perfectly made. Only one person stands before God on judgement day... and you need to own all the choices you made. And I LOVE THIS!! We are so blessed with lessons, and mistakes. These are also 2 great teachers. Embrace and enjoy your life. Be thankful for everything and find the beauty in every situation. I know you can, and you have before. Just keep on, keeping on. Let's keep sharing our journey in this body, praying for each other to stay strong and connected to Christ. We will all be alright! Promise!

2. I forgot! oh well.

Lindsay update:

I'm doing well. recovering from a few bruises I got during rehearsal on wednesday.

Work: Is really so deeply humbling. I feel so blessed to be able to share my art with my fellow dancers, and a paying audience. Sometimes, overwhelming emotion comes over me, I just have such a deep appreciate for God. Here's why... I have always wanted to become a professional dancer. I tried, strived, practiced, prayed, auditioned... and I was just never filled. Until now. Even if I never dance again, this experience has been so filling! The practice has been long and intense, but deeply moving. I love God so much, because only He knew that I could handle this at this stage in my life. I am growing in my faith, and trusting Him more and more with His plan. I feel like it's a path that unfolds fresh and new each day. I like it, sometimes it's familar, and sometimes completely foreign. But I love it none the less! Oh how my heart praises Him, God Almighty, maker of my soul!

Dinner Time! Blessings!

Lindsay