Thy will be done.

Picture this:

A kid. Who has very little memory of who they were before they were 9 years old. This kid is troubled in the secret ways. Drug use with friends, mouth like a dirty sailor, resentment towards parents acting out in "back talk," and occasional law breaking activities to starve away the bordom. However, in school, this kid makes above average marks, is disciplined in hobbies and sports and has done a pretty good job earning the respect of the outside world. This kid...

Turns into a teenager, mom dies, and kid wants to get their act together. Church is a good place to find good people. Unnaturally, child tries to fit into what "good people" should be like. Nice, talk gentle, pray, go to bible studies, not associate with "bad people" anymore. Makes sense. Teen gets accepted for being a "good person," gets noticed for being able to talk to any kind of person. Doesn't the bible say we are all loved by God? Shouldn't we be in contact with anyone and everyone? Why such a big deal for noticing a person, and talking to them? Teen turns into an adult...

barely...

adult/ teen/ child, who can only remember things after 9 years old, and who is a "good person" who has the ability to talk with any kind of person, is growing up. Making decisions about spiritual life, which in turn manifest into the mental and physical life arenas. Some of her friends, are "good people" too and now some of her friends are "bad people." But this adult is realizing, no matter what, people are people. All people contribute something positive and beneficial. It just depends on how one sees it. God and God potential in everyone.

All of it boils down to me. I am still the kid/teen/adult who is struggling to remember the place where I had no memories. I only started remembering stuff when things went wrong and bad. Now, it's been one long saga, and for goodness sake, it's time for the saga to end. Book slammed shut. Placed on the shelf, or perhaps burned for all I care, because the memories from her pages will be here forever. Now, my prayer, my plea to God, who saves, is that I will live in the land of restore-freakin-ration :). Using EVERY single word from that book to be able to connect to people and therefore, connect together to God. God, I sometimes feel like He's right inside of me, and other times, I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs and there be no response.

That's OK... because I don't give up that easy. (which is usually good, but can be bad not tempered)

I am praying for healing and restoration to come pronto, and come in a tangible way, where i finally don't struggle with feeling like an unloved and selfish human being. I know it's not too much to ask to feel loved in a tangible and healthy way, so why the delay? I mean, at this point Im over it. I have chosen the righteous way, to leave the things that don't fill me up in a pure way out in the garbage can. God knows I want the real deal, and I am open to anything he deems worthy. I want to have a clear head, to make admirable decisions, to enjoy life, to raise a fun, funky (in a healthy way) family, to help anyone and everyone around me the best way I can. Even to spend alot of time doing charitable work... I want to make God attractive to people, because He's attractive! (In the most perfect way) Even though it can be a tough pill to swallow, He can make you healthy and whole! Side note: as long as there is open and honest flowing communication.

Here are the ramblings of Lindsay Brown. If I do end up posting it, I hope it leaves the reader feeling like they have someone who has seen a few troubles and blessings, leaving you with the sense that "you really arn't alone in this" kind of feeling. My friends tell me I should talk to people about how I feel, and even though I feel uncomfortable about that, someone always ends up calling me and we end up talking about it. Writing helps me alot. I really love it when people respond to it. I get positive feedback, and it fuels my fire to be open and honest.

I read some quotes today at the doctors office. Some were cute, like the ones about being sick as a dog, and the guy looked like a dog. Some were a smidge more thought provoking, "The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you." by Bette Midler haha

so, i went home and looked up some quotes and I found this one by C.S. Lewis. I know he's genius, and blah blah blah... I get turned off when I think about reading one of his books, because of their length and unfamiliar vernacular, but I can read his quotes! I like them! Here is one I found.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I feel like I do/done this. My love will not be broken. I wrap her up with hobbies and little luxuries. But I don't want to, because I want be human and feel again. I guess this place of turmoil and pain is a clear indication of my emotion. I guess suffering reminds us that we DO love. I do love. I guess I haven't sucessfully killed my love. Oh God, only you can, like you did Jesus, resurrect my heart again. It's beat is weak and tired. Pressure and stress from my attempts at unconscious suicide. Forgive me, the choices i have made, led me here, and it's not the path you have chosen for me. I didn't really choose it myself, but I let it happen. God right now, I want to ask you for guidance to get back on the right track. Intentional u-turn. I can't help but worry those same stupid fears, "God's gonna give you something you don't want, and He's gonna make you take it!" Oh Lord, I wouldn't do that to a person, even thought I might push harder if it was good for the person, because the choice really up to them. (Lie #1 demolished) but... I'm also afraid that if I chose to not take the things you recommend, that you will get tired and not try anymore. But I wouldn't do that either, I mean I may get tired and a little aggrivated, but You don't. The bible describes you as never sleeping or slumbering, always helping when we ask for it. (Lie # 2 blasted into smitherines!) Well, i ask for it.

Guide me, and keep showing me things that would give me the kind of life I am made for. Un poco de fe amor.

Thy will be done.

Psalm 40:16-17 Message Version
"But all who are hunting for you-- Oh let them sing and be happy!
Let those who know what you're all about tell then world you are great and not quitting.
And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.

You can do it; you've got what it takes--
but God, don't put it off."