perhaps one of the saddest days yet...

Colby's death reflection.

I don't want to sleep, my eyes are burning and swelled from all the tears and I never imagined how I could become so attached to an animal. I feel like a 8 year old who lost their favorite pet, and even more silly that I'm going to admit my feelings about it in the next paragraph.

I sat in my car tonight, imaging myself being greeted by Colby as I walked into the empty house. He would be so excited to see me, wiggling his tail in delight, and likewise ( minus the tail wagging). Honestly, Colb has been through some of my toughest times, he would "walk it out" with me, if I needed to go take a walk and clear my head. Some of my tenderest prayer times, he was right by my side, keeping me company. It feels surreal now, empty, lonely. I was thinking earlier that I normally appreciate change, because I enjoy the adventure of adjusting and growing. Not until the change is involuntarily and utterly against my "coping mechanism." I feel stripped of the things I've depended on lately. I feel overlooked and a little unloved. by God.

I know I can't always go on my emotions. God sees me, the bible calls him El Roi, the God who sees (he sure has been watching me cry a lot lately). I can't help it. It's not really only because of Colby, but Colby is a safe avenue to let out my other fears and pains.

I am pained that mentally I feel like a failure. My thoughts are so vital to the health of my entire being, but as of late, they have been angry, frustrated, negative and lacking the hope I once felt. I know the flavor of hope, and I long for it's taste to be in my mouth, but lately, tears and frustrations have been the taste. I don't like this flavor. You know, I guess I just have to wait this season out. I know there is a reason for all of this. The last times I went to read the bible, I have been reminded of God's plan to rebuild my life for His glory and honor. I really REALLY like that. And another lesson in all of this is that, even though all my fail me, God won't. He can't. He was made, He knows no beginning or end. It's impossible for him.

I did assume He had it out for me though. Taking my baby Colby like that! Then a thought poped in my head that Colby was running around in heaven and God liked him, and I immediate gave God the evil eye. Not fair God. So not fair. but that's the way it is.

I really REALLY liked him though.

Updates:

Dad's health is stable. Him and Gloria are seeing each other again. I'm happy he has someone to talk to about things. Her companionship is good for him.

Travel plans: Roadtripping to LA in a month. Uber stoked to take this cross country adventure. I feel like God has His hand in this, and I am praying it's one of those trips where everything goes seamlessly. H O P E F U L L Y. Susan invited me to go with her, because she needs to ship her car to Hawaii. She's moving there. I really REALLY want to go and visit her. :)

Love Life: Yep, I love my life. well, that's kind of a lie. but I love it probably more than I should. I am reminded of the verse, Luke 9:24 "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." It's would be successful of me to have a life of complete obedience to God. Yep.

Surfing has been a tad frustrating to say the least. The waves have been nice, but I have had trouble catching them. My problem I think is that I pop up not close enough to the back and the waves rolls on by underneath me. I have caught a few, but have lost more than I've caught, which makes me want to go try harder.

Dance camp 11 this summer for the 5-11 year olds from the Harbour. Gonna be a blessing, I'm looking for dance songs that have to do with worshipping God, and how it is seen as a gift to Him. Ok, I feel a little convicted ;)

In General I want to be like my friend Ebony, because she's a lot like Jesus. Today when I was talking to her, she was telling me about her grandma, and how she wanted me to pray for her. Her grandma is making some choices that are hurting her financially, and Ebony is a little concerned, and naturally wants to offer her advice. However, the grandma is unwilling to receive Eb's advice. So Ebony is praying for her. God will be done. The lesson I learned here, was that Ebony is going to "honor" her grandma, by letting her take the control. Lately, I have found myself at odds with my dad, sometimes being able to keep quiet, but there have been some frustrating times where I have argued back. I hate to admit that, because it's terrible to talk back, I know, and it comes so naturally! Ugh! God is super patient, I've been trying to stay more quiet. I know my dad is sick and in pain, he doesn't want to argue, but it happens.

Prayer ReQuests

For peace and ease in all my relationships.

Grace in this time of learning lessons and the application of them

Restorative down time

His Kingdom to come and His will to be done, on earth as it is in heaven.