poem 1

I'm so glad that your listening... I can have your undivided eyes, with thoughts focused on us tonight

Lately I have felt a wall between us and it wasn't you who built it.

It always amazes me how I try to block you from seeing me, all of me, in her natural form and setting.

i guess it is because i think your perfect.

and i dont ever want you to uncover that i am not.

i guess it's because your forgiving

and i dont want you to ever see that im struggling to keep up

or i guess its because i think you wouldn't understand

but your the one who made me like this in the first place.

so, i guess when i am struggling to build the wall... brick by brick

you will gentle remove it, with a reaffirming look... that says "you will always be mine."

This is a poem that was inspired here, off the cuff and from the inner Spirit inside. Im unsure how a pregnant women feels when there is a baby inside her womb, but i am wondering if i feel that way tonight... knowing that the Spirit living inside of me is living and growing, and longing to manifest itself through my every day thoughts, words and actions. it's moving and breathing... dreaming, creating, loving, dancing, talking and singing...

today was a really cool day. the best part of the day was realizing "why" the gospel is good news. because, as you can see from my poem, i do build walls in effort to hide from jesus, which is why i was wrestling with this question in the first place. " why is the gospel good news for me?"

well. here was an answer to my question: this gospel of jesus is good news because he taught that God and Him were one. equals but different. unlike judaism, where the rules of God are taught, and must be taught in order for one to understand. jesus came singing a different song... his song went like this.... "you don't have to be able to read, write or speak to know i love you. look within, im teaching you, God made you like this, look inside and you will see the Kingdom of God is at hand. You were made as a son and daughter of this King, and His love is written on your heart of flesh... look love, do you see it?"

:) its not written in stone, like the 10 commandments. Jesus did not come to save the righteous the people who know God's love through rules written on stone, but to the sinners. the one's who sin, because they dont know they are loved.
have you ever wondered why you find yourself making poor decisions? saying hurtful things? or having a sour attitude? ill tell you why... that "loved/respected wrinkle " hasn't been smoothed out by believing your loved.respected... for some reason or another, you ain't feeling the love!

And... actually i think it was st fancis of assissi who said "people arn't starving for food and clothing, but for love and appreciation." and i know this is so true for me. As of right now, im all sorts of wrinkly, and with you as my witness im asking "Lord, would you please smooth out the unloved wrinkles in my heart, so that i can be loved, and then love you back too? then maybe i can love others, and tell them you said, they don;t have to have "it" all together, but that you just want them to believe you when you say you love them, and that you are the pathway that leads them to true, lasting love? that would be cool. amen"

Lindsay's Corner

I like to make updates...
1. we are having a thanksgiving feast with zoila and her family. i am happy about this, because they are funny people and i get to hang out with them and hear how their lives are going.

2. my dad and his girlfriend, gloria, are back on and going strong. although i am super happy my dad is happy... i am reminded of my singleness... which praise God I have right now! however, I have sent Him my request for a beautiful godly man who i can share my life with... he hasn't replied yet, i am still waiting. :)

3. peru. so, i guess we may be going in january for a couple of weeks. i am excited because i need to get my impacted wisdom teeth pulled, and i can get it done cheap in Peru. Plus, gloria is from there and she will let us stay in her house. :)
i have a friend, jeronimo that may be there, he is super cute, so i wait expectantly to see if God will open the door for us to see each other. :) haha

4. the art exhibit dance routine... is better than the video on youtube... i'd tell you to watch it if i thought it was good... but i shall without this info... it wasn't good, and it's better now. :)

5. dancing for christmas. at a church. to a song by 4Him. Strange way to save the world. i love doing a little dance routines... the thing i need now is a dance costume. pray that it will be so perfect, and the audience will wanna just give Jesus a Big Spirited Hug!!

6. thanks for reading. i love you, and cherish you. and am hoping you are doing well. you are more appreciated and loved than you think...

dream,
Lindsay

letting go... means not holding on.

Lindsay's Corner:

letting go... of expectations i have in life...

of potential romances...

of fears...

of bad memories...

bad habits...

sour attitudes...

weakness...

grudges.

and EMBRACING

prayer

inner peace

forgiveness

quietness

togetherness

acceptance of oneself exactly as they are

acceptance of others that way too

laughter unabashedly

baggage junk

shadows and the sunlight

waking up early

just plain old "going with the flow..."

Oh, what a joy life can be!

You know today was yet another day of practicing patience with myself. was it bad that I got jealous of my dad and gloria? what in me was offended when my dad chose to go to lunch with gloria and not with me? on one hand, i am so thankful she is in my dad's life, because he is happier with her. she gives him hope and lightness. but on the other hand, i want that for myself too, and i don't have it right now. I do have singleness which I am totally thankful for, and i have my friends, who are all so wonderfully precious. I have the Lord, he makes my step light and my eyes bright with hope. but, i guess it isn't the same when you have someone to share the ups and downs with in life when they are not your immediate family.

maybe that's why i got jealous.

so, let me just take a moment to thank all of you, my friends, for being patient with me, and loving me the way i am. you do a great job at that! i have no complaints. only accolades.


oh, oh... go with the flow...

plant a seed and wait to see which one will grow....

my wildest dreams are...
to travel to argentina and india to teach dance.
visit a monestary
study traditional chinese medicine in china
build a treehouse, and have a wellness home, and a summer dance program for fun.
surf whenever i want to
live off the land
sleep under the stars
have a beautiful, humble husband, who can cook and likes to exercise.
see my kids playing in the trees.
seeing peoples hearts, bodies and souls restored by God's love.

all these things, and life is complete... haha

hopes:
to have my house rented out so i can travel
marry effortlessly a humble man soon, i would atleast like my dad to know him
to have al my kids naturally
to live the life God has for me in abounding measure
to bring vision to others and my children about God's love and provision over their lifes.

i hope i can always be happy in jesus and in who he has made me.

yeah... :P

and so it goes on and on...

Just to forewarn you... this is all about death... sorry.

so, i was thinking about my pending health problems... fridgity, fatigue, slight depression... not cool, right? I feel sorta like I am slowly dying. and it's weird, because i think i am empathic towards my dad's slow fade, so much so that i am beginning to take it on as my own. i mean, i could be just imagining this, but i have no real reason to feel the way i do.

is it ok to feel this way? of course, acceptance of this idea has actually lead me to some amazing insights. first of all, i know i won't actually die. but for some reason, because my father is dying... i feel "like" i want to die too. it's sad, i know, and i thought to myself..."Lindsay, how about this, let say your heart will be broken so badly that you will feel dead." i thought that was a good enough compromise, because Ive read in the scriptures that if you die, then you will truly live. (arn't our deceased loved one's lucky?) and God is near to those who are broken hearted. so it can't be all that bad.

so i say all of this to say this... maybe if part of me does die then his memory will live, and therefore we will both live on in some sort of way. i don't know. it comforts me.

but i could surely benefit to remember my dad's faithfulness. waking me up at any time. picking me up anywhere. giving to me in any way. i sure would love to be remembered for being faithful. that memory can live.

or perhaps the way he told stories. papi could make me laugh way before he told the punch line. if he started to laugh in any way, i was roaring. i still don;t know how he does it. i really admire him. this memory can live too.

dude, and i love his sayings... even though i thought they were silly and archaic for most of my life. "don't kill the goose who lays the golden eggs" "keep you nose to the wind, ear to the ground, and arm to the wheel." "take risks" "what you liked at 18, you won't like at 21, and what you liked at 21 you wont like at 25" "work smart, not hard" ... these will live.

oh, and one more, whenever i was in doubt, for whatever reason, my dad was so generous with his "iloveyou's" as a child we would go on and on "iloveyoutimesinfinity" and the next one would reply "well, iloveyoutimesinfinitytimesinfinity" this would go on for a while. but my dad never gave up on us kids. even after my mom died, he faithfully came home everynight. even through my brother's painful addiction, he never gave up. even through all my crazy ideas, foreign destinations and buisness ideas, my dad still supported me. i want to live out this.

and even though he says he doesn't like colby, he sure does pet him and talk to him a lot. i like this too.

vulnerably, i ask that if you see me, after he has passed away, please hold me and reaffirm me that everything is going to be alright, and that there is a new life I am to embrace.

he is a pleasure to know. i am so thankful for his life.

Stunning, Surprising, anything but Safe!

So, today's flow is a little different. I wanted to share what has been going on through the eyes of Lindsay Brown. Choosing to ride my bike, allows me a perspective different from the car driver.

Yesterday when I was riding my bike to the beach, I saw a car in the middle of the street not moving. Assuming the car was broken down, I glanced at the driver as I rode by. But instead of seeing a distressed person, I saw a sound sleeping gentlemen in the passenger seat! Atfirst I was scared, because I thought for sure this man had a stroke or something. But no, as I walked my bike back to check it out, he awoke from taking a little snooze!!!!

And then... I saw a little boy today waiting at the bus stop near my brothers house. And he was holding his stuffed monkey and wiping his eyes with his shirt. after I passed, i realized he must of been running away from his house. ;( isn't that adorable? and sad?

I enjoy the things I get to see in my bicycle adventures. it;s one way for me to slow down and enjoy the world around me.

It's 4:30 in the morning here and I am looking at plane tickets! I first looked up Japan, because I was interested in their diet and lifestyle. I could get there for about 1,000. that's not really that much. I could also go to Hawaii, but I want to save that for vacation. But i could see myself going to Japan sooner than Hawaii, unless I knew someone else who wanted to go. Endless possibilities, as for now, i will eventually fall back asleep, and then ride my bike tommorrow. :)

I thank God for this time.

Sincerely,
Lindsay