and so it goes on and on...

Just to forewarn you... this is all about death... sorry.

so, i was thinking about my pending health problems... fridgity, fatigue, slight depression... not cool, right? I feel sorta like I am slowly dying. and it's weird, because i think i am empathic towards my dad's slow fade, so much so that i am beginning to take it on as my own. i mean, i could be just imagining this, but i have no real reason to feel the way i do.

is it ok to feel this way? of course, acceptance of this idea has actually lead me to some amazing insights. first of all, i know i won't actually die. but for some reason, because my father is dying... i feel "like" i want to die too. it's sad, i know, and i thought to myself..."Lindsay, how about this, let say your heart will be broken so badly that you will feel dead." i thought that was a good enough compromise, because Ive read in the scriptures that if you die, then you will truly live. (arn't our deceased loved one's lucky?) and God is near to those who are broken hearted. so it can't be all that bad.

so i say all of this to say this... maybe if part of me does die then his memory will live, and therefore we will both live on in some sort of way. i don't know. it comforts me.

but i could surely benefit to remember my dad's faithfulness. waking me up at any time. picking me up anywhere. giving to me in any way. i sure would love to be remembered for being faithful. that memory can live.

or perhaps the way he told stories. papi could make me laugh way before he told the punch line. if he started to laugh in any way, i was roaring. i still don;t know how he does it. i really admire him. this memory can live too.

dude, and i love his sayings... even though i thought they were silly and archaic for most of my life. "don't kill the goose who lays the golden eggs" "keep you nose to the wind, ear to the ground, and arm to the wheel." "take risks" "what you liked at 18, you won't like at 21, and what you liked at 21 you wont like at 25" "work smart, not hard" ... these will live.

oh, and one more, whenever i was in doubt, for whatever reason, my dad was so generous with his "iloveyou's" as a child we would go on and on "iloveyoutimesinfinity" and the next one would reply "well, iloveyoutimesinfinitytimesinfinity" this would go on for a while. but my dad never gave up on us kids. even after my mom died, he faithfully came home everynight. even through my brother's painful addiction, he never gave up. even through all my crazy ideas, foreign destinations and buisness ideas, my dad still supported me. i want to live out this.

and even though he says he doesn't like colby, he sure does pet him and talk to him a lot. i like this too.

vulnerably, i ask that if you see me, after he has passed away, please hold me and reaffirm me that everything is going to be alright, and that there is a new life I am to embrace.

he is a pleasure to know. i am so thankful for his life.